The House of Spanks!

A haven for kitten lovers like me!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Mr. Spanks Becomes Mr. Spooks!

In merely a fortnight, Mr. Spanks and I will get to celebrate our favorite holiday: Halloween. But he hasn't ever been around for Halloween before, so how do I know it's his favorite, too? Because, Sillies, I project everything that I feel onto him in order to make myself feel more accepted in the world.

I mean, because he told me so! Hooray! Halloween? More like Hallowheeee!

Spooky kitty cat
Try to run outside again
And you'll fucking die
And be met with hugs

The best part of Halloween is the part where we get to dress up and coordinate our outfits like all couples do. I've had a few ideas:
  • Mr. Spanks will go as Hugh Hefner and I'll go as a Playboy Bunny. We're not doing that, though, because I don't feel like sewing three lycra full-body suits together into one big one that will fit me. Just kidding. It's only because I can't find a set of ears and nothing more. I'm not hideous. Please still be my friend and read my blog.
  • I will go as Uma Thurman and Mr. Spanks will go as John Travolta from Pulp Fiction. We decided against this one because we feel like it promotes violence and heroine use and I am in favor of neither.
  • I will go as Dr. Claw and Mr. Spanks will go as Dr. Claw's cat (from Inspector Gadget). I was close to doing this one, but Mr. Spanks said he has to be a cat the other 364 days of the year and he wanted this day off. He made a good point and after I didn't feed him for three days, he still felt the same way, so I think he really meant it.
  • I will go as Paris Hilton and Mr. Spanks will dress up as some random penis that I jam into my gaping, fire extinguisher-diametered vagina. Mr. Spanks made the same argument here as he did against the Dr. Claw costume.
  • The last rejected idea was that I will go as Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story and Mr. Spanks will go as Falkor, the Luck Dragon that he rides triumphantly through the skies. He was a little hesitant at the idea of me strapping a saddle to his back and riding him around the city for the night. He made some snide comment about how calling him a "Luck Dragon" would be ironic since I weigh a little more than a Geo Metro.
But, we've decided to go a more traditional route for the costumes this year. We've decided to play up the religious side of Halloween and celebrate it the way Christianity meant for it to be celebrated before corporate America got a hold of it.

Mr. Spanks is going to be Crucified Jesus, and I'm going to go as a symbolic representation of all of the Jews who decided to kill him. My costume will consist of me dressed up all "Jewy" (I'll have a yarmulke, dreidel, bag of money, and a hook-nose), but I'll be surrounded by the flames of Hell. And here is my drawing of what Mr. Spanks will look like as Crucified Jesus. Remember, these are just the schematics and are subject to change.I can't wait for Halloween! And neither can Mr. Spanks. He's already meowing like he's dying--practicing so he can scare all the children. It has nothing to do with the fact that I got mad at him again and haven't fed him since Friday.

You are Jesus Christ
I am all of the bad Jews
We are Halloween

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Mr. Spanks: Mischief Maker Extraordinaire

Since this is my first post (of many to come), I thought I'd let you all know who Mr. Spanks is. This is not some weird porno site, but, instead, a place where I can go to rave about my new kitten, the aforementioned Mr. Spanks.

I like to imagine that Mr. Spanks was born Reginald T. Spanks Esquire to a wealthy set of parents. His mother was a cat nurse and his father was an accountant for the Tidy Cat company. Unfortunately, when Mr. Spanks was only a week old, his father, feeling the burden of a new child and a wife he never really loved and only married to try to hide from his own gay tendencies, could no longer take it and killed himself and his wife in a tragic murder-suicide.

Coincidentally, this is exactly what happened to me and my parents.

But this blog isn't about me. It's about the greatest and only friend in my life, Mr. Spanks.

Precious Mr. Spanks
You are my shining beacon
Filled with majesty

Sorry. Sometimes I just need to write haikus or other poems because I'm overflowing with such joy and not, in any way, to compensate for the despair and emptiness in my life!

I would take pictures and post them for everybody to see, but I don't allow cameras or mirrors in my house. Who needs to know how they look anyway? I mean, people in olden, Jesus times didn't have mirrors and Jesus was good looking--even on the cross. Besides, in His eyes, we are all beautiful. In Heaven, our hunchbacks go away.

So, in lieu of an actual picture, here is a drawing that I spent 45 minutes on. If you saw him, you would know that this looks exactly like him. Except, he isn't all white, but every time I clicked the bucket of paint on Mr. Spanks's picture, it would go all over the screen and I couldn't figure out why. So, this is kind of what he would look like if he was a ghost.

But he'll never be a ghost because Mr. Spanks and I will live forever and nothing will ever go bad for either of us again.

Oh, pretty kitty
You pee all over my clothes
But not on my heart