Mr. Spanks Becomes Mr. Spooks!

In merely a fortnight, Mr. Spanks and I will get to celebrate our favorite holiday: Halloween. But he hasn't ever been around for Halloween before, so how do I know it's his favorite, too? Because, Sillies, I project everything that I feel onto him in order to make myself feel more accepted in the world.

I mean, because he told me so! Hooray! Halloween? More like Hallowheeee!

Spooky kitty cat
Try to run outside again
And you'll fucking die
And be met with hugs

The best part of Halloween is the part where we get to dress up and coordinate our outfits like all couples do. I've had a few ideas:

• Mr. Spanks will go as Hugh Hefner and I'll go as a Playboy Bunny. We're not doing that, though, because I don't feel like sewing three lycra full-body suits together into one big one that will fit me. Just kidding. It's only because I can't find a set of ears and nothing more. I'm not hideous. Please still be my friend and read my blog.
  
• I will go as Uma Thurman and Mr. Spanks will go as John Travolta from Pulp Fiction. We decided against this one because we feel like it promotes violence and heroine use and I am in favor of neither.
• I will go as Dr. Claw and Mr. Spanks will go as Dr. Claw's cat (from Inspector Gadget). I was close to doing this one, but Mr. Spanks said he has to be a cat the other 364 days of the year and he wanted this day off. He made a good point and after I didn't feed him for three days, he still felt the same way, so I think he really meant it.
• I will go as Paris Hilton and Mr. Spanks will dress up as some random penis that I jam into my gaping, fire extinguisher-diametered vagina. Mr. Spanks made the same argument here as he did against the Dr. Claw costume.
• The last rejected idea was that I will go as Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story and Mr. Spanks will go as Falkor, the Luck Dragon that he rides triumphantly through the skies. He was a little hesitant at the idea of me strapping a saddle to his back and riding him around the city for the night. He made some snide comment about how calling him a "Luck Dragon" would be ironic since I weigh a little more than a Geo Metro.

But, we've decided to go a more traditional route for the costumes this year. We've decided to play up the religious side of Halloween and celebrate it the way Christianity meant for it to be celebrated before corporate America got a hold of it.

Mr. Spanks is going to be Crucified Jesus, and I'm going to go as a symbolic representation of all of the Jews who decided to kill him. My costume will consist of me dressed up all "Jewy" (I'll have a yarmulke, dreidel, bag of money, and a hook-nose), but I'll be surrounded by the flames of Hell. And here is my drawing of what Mr. Spanks will look like as Crucified Jesus. Remember, these are just the schematics and are subject to change.I can't wait for Halloween! And neither can Mr. Spanks. He's already meowing like he's dying--practicing so he can scare all the children. It has nothing to do with the fact that I got mad at him again and haven't fed him since Friday.

You are Jesus Christ
I am all of the bad Jews
We are Halloween